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"Laws that forbid the carrying of arms...disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to  commit crimes... Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man." -Thomas Jefferson, quoting Cesare Beccaria.

 

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Jokes to Tell Around the Campfire
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Two Aggies Out Hunting

Two Aggies (Texas A & M) were out deer hunting.  As they walked along they came upon a beautiful sexy blonde sunning au natural on a rock.  (Ok, she was butt nakid).  The first Aggie winked at her and asked "Are you game?"
"Sure am," she exclaimed.
Second Aggie shot her.

Three Aggies Hunting

Three Aggies went hunting together.  Having had no luck in the blind, they decided to walk around the deer lease and see if they could find any deer, agreeing to meet back under a certain Live Oak in 2 hours.  A couple of hours later two of the Aggies were back, tired and irritated at having seen nothing.  Hearing some noise in the brush, one of them took a sound shot.  They were horrified to hear their buddy scream out in pain as the bullet hit his arm.

A few hours later in the emergency room the doctor came out into the waiting area shaking his head.  Their friend was dead.  "How can he be dead?" asked the first Aggie, "It was only a flesh wound!"

"Well, boys," drawled the doctor, "it's true the wound didn't amount to much.  But you really shouldn't of field dressed him."

Call 911

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing: his eyes are rolled in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow  my instructions.  First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence....and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now What?"

3 deer hunters

Dave and Bubba took Dave's city boy cousin, Ken,  hunting one time. It was Ken's first time hunting but Dave and Bubba grew up hunting.    Dave advised his cousin that the rut was pretty much over so he should "Find and follow the tracks.  Once you see one, shoot him. If you kill one, just drag it back to the cabin."

The next morning, Dave and Bubba got up at 4:00 AM with no problem. They had a little trouble getting Ken to wake up, but finally they were all awake and ready to go hunting. They picked up their rifles and headed out. Later in the day, 2 shots were heard.  Bubba approached from the east dragging a nice big buck while Dave drug his in from the south.  Bubba grinned at Dave and said "Where'd you get that?" Dave replied, "Saw some tracks and followed 'em.  Saw the buck and shot him.  You?" "Saw some tracks and followed 'em.  Saw the buck and shot him." replied Bubba.  They set to work and dressed out the deer.  As the day wore on, there was no sign of Ken.  As dusk approached they got worried.  Finally they got their flashlights and began to search for him.  They finally found him.  He was bruised, bloody and had scars all over him.

"What happened?" they asked.

He replied, "Well, I found some tracks and followed them, but then the stupid train hit me!"

How to Drag a Deer Out of the Forest

Two guys were out hunting when one of them shoots a big 14 point buck, "Wow, that's the biggest set of antlers I've ever seen in my life! " says one man.  The other man agrees.

So they field dress the deer and each grab one hind leg of the deer and proceed to drag the deer out of the woods. They were having the worst time trying to drag the big deer out of the thick covered woods, the antlers were catching on everything.

So they stopped to take a rest and one guy said to the other. " We need to try dragging this deer out differently," the other guy agreed, so they finally each grabbed one antler each and proceeded.


About a hour and a half later, one said to the other; " Man, this is working a whole lot better this way."

The other one sighs and says "Yeah, but aren't we getting pretty far from the truck?"

10 day deer hunting trip

A father came home from a 10 day deer hunting trip to find his son riding a very fancy new mountain bike.

"Where did you get the money for that new bike? It must have cost $200."

 "Easy dad," the boy replied. "I earned it by hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" the boy replied. "Every night that you were gone, Mr. Smith from the grocery store would come over to see mom and he would give me a $20 bill and tell me to go take a hike!"

Dave and Bubba get lost

One day Dave and Bubba were Deer Hunting, and they got lost.  Dave tells Bubba "wait, don't panic I learned what to do in case this happens.  You're supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone will hear you and come with help," "okay" said Bubba.  So he shoots three times into the air.  They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again and still no one shows up. Bewildered they try this again and again for the next couple of hours.  Bubba starts to look a little worried, then he shouts "It better work this time, we're down to our last three arrows!"
An old deer hunter goes to the bar

An old deer hunter named Bill, dressed head to foot in camouflage, went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the deer hunter and asked him, "Are you a real deer hunter?"

To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life in the woods, tracking deer, stalking deer and shooting deer, so yes, I guess I am a real deer hunter." After a short while he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I've never been in the woods. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV everything makes me think about women."

A short while later she left, and the deer hunter ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real deer hunter?"

The deer hunter replied, "Well I always thought I was a deer hunter, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
The deer hunter and the scotch

Two men go deer hunting. They settle down in their stand and start waiting for the deer. This gets rapidly boring for one of them so he reaches into his backpack and withdraws a bottle of 100 proof scotch.

"Want some?" he asks his deer hunting partner.

"No, I've got to concentrate on watching for deer."

"Okay..." he says and happily drains the bottle.

They go back to watching for deer. Again, the man gets bored and gets from his backpack another bottle of scotch. "Want some." he asks again.

"No, thanks" is his reply.

"Your loss." he says and happily drains the bottle.

He's pretty sloshed by now, but goes back to help his friend watch for deer. A minute later, a single deer walks up to their stand.

"Bang!!!" goes his partners rifle.

"Damn, missed it" his partner says.

The sloshed hunter waves his rifle in the general direction of the fleeing deer. "Bang!!!" his rifle goes. He kills the deer straight out.

"Wow," his partner said, "how did you do that?"

"Well," he replied, "when there's a whole herd of deer, you can hardly miss, can you?"
3 deer hunters go to heaven

Three deer hunters go to Heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to Heaven, you three will get along here just fine, as long as you remember our number one rule. Don't harm any deer. God really gets mad if you harm any of his deer"

The three deer hunters thought that was pretty reasonable and they all went off to explore Heaven.

The first deer hunter was driving along enjoying the sights of Heaven, and "CRASH" he runs right over a deer and kills it. Then instantly this really ugly woman appears in the seat right next to him. He then realizes that they are shackled together with a heavy chain.

The voice of God rings out "You two will be shackled together for eternity."

The second deer hunter heard about this and decided that he better be more careful with his driving. He was driving along enjoying the sights of Heaven, and this buck jumped out of the ditch and "CRASH" he runs right over the buck and kills it. Then instantly this even uglier woman appears in the seat right next to him. He then realizes that they are shackled together with a heavy chain.

The voice of God again rings out "You two will be shackled together for eternity."

The third hunter hears about this and decides he is going to quit driving. The next day he decides he will go for a walk in the forest. After walking for about a mile he spots a log over looking a meadow and sits down for a rest. Then instantly this beautiful woman appears on the log right next to him. He then realizes that they are shackled together with a heavy chain.

The deer hunter says to her "Where did you come from?"

The beautiful woman says "The last thing that I remember, I was just driving along and "CRASH" I hit this deer."

His first deer

It was a clear, cold November morning, every condition imaginable was just right. The young deer hunter sat still and quiet in the tree stand hoping to get his first deer. Just after daybreak, he could hear the crunching of the leaves as a deer made it way down the trail toward his stand. His heart quickened.

Moments later, a HUGE 10-pointer at least 20" wide stood still broadside not more than 20 yards away. He slowly raised the rifle, clicked off the safety, squeeze, boom. The deer dropped instantly in his tracks. The guy was so excited, he quickly hung the gun back on the nail in the tree, scampered down the ladder and ran over the where the buck lay.

Reaching for his knife to begin field-dressing the deer, he realized that he must first tag the deer. Not wanting to get into any trouble, he laid down his knife, pulled the tag from his pocket, filled it out, and neatly tied it to the buck's massive antlers.

He reached down picked up the knife to resume field-dressing the deer, then the buck did something unexpected, he jumped up, snorted, and ran back up the trail over the ridge. The young hunter stood there in amazement for a moment, glanced back up in the tree at his rifle hanging near the stand, looked at the knife in his hand, then mumbled a couple of choice words then tore out running after the big buck.

Moments after the buck crossed over the ridge top, there was a boom from another hunter's rifle. The young deer hunter thought to himself, "oh no, not my deer." As he reached the ridge top and crossed over, he saw the big buck lying on the trail ahead of him as a hunter cautiously approached the downed deer checking it for dead. The young hunter runs up to the guy, out of breath he explains "That's my deer, huff, huff, that's my deer." "Like heck it is" said the other guy. "I just shot this one." "No, no, look, it's got my tag on his antlers."

The second hunter looked down at the deer, sure enough, there were tags attached to the antlers. He looked back at the young guy completely exhausted and out of breath holding the pocket knife and says, "Fella, if you're man enough to tag 'em first and then run 'em down, you can have this deer."
Father and son go deer hunting

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

An hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."
A woman in Bed

A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend when the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

She is speaking in a cheery voice and says, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his deer hunting trip with you."
A grizzly bear slips

A guy was telling his friend about his recent deer hunting trip to Montana.

"We were out in the woods all morning and our guide decided that we should take a break along the river bank. I wasn't feeling tired so I went for a stroll while the others were resting.

As I was walking, a grizzly bear burst out of the brush in front of me. I turned and started running like hell through the woods with the bear after me. The bear almost caught up with me but slipped and fell down.

I kept running and the bear almost caught up with me again twice, but slipped and fell each time. I finally reached the river bank. The guide saw the bear chasing me and shot it dead."

"Wow!" replied his friend, "That's incredible. If I were you, I would have messed all over myself."

The first guy answered, "What do you think the bear was slipping on?"
The old abandoned mine shaft

There were these two guys out deer hunting when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing.

They searched the area for something larger and came upon an old railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a pack mule suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the mule when another deer hunter walked up to them.

"Have you seen my pack mule anywhere in the area?" he asked.

"Yes," they replied, "one just ran and jumped into the mine shaft in front of us!

The man replied, "that couldn't be my mule, mine was tied to an old railroad tie with a long rope."
Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Business and fishing

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Bear hunting

Two Aggie hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir," panted the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
 
Expensive Fish

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They spend a fortune by renting all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. 

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Twins

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
 

Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
 
Ouch

Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a dump, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."

"Yeah? What happened next?" Asks his friend.

"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."

One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"

He calmly replied "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain."

The Well Trained Coon Dog

Bubba had a coonhound once that was so well trained that all he had to do was show it a certain size fur stretching board and that hound would go out and tree a coon the exact size of that board.

Unfortunately his wife happened to set the ironing board out on the porch to clean it one day and the dog ain't been seen since!

Alibi broken

A guy goes off for a week long hunting trip. When he returns he is furious with his wife. He says, "you forgot to pack my underwear."
Her reply was, "I put it in your gun case."